(This poem / might be triggering / for some people)
Where’s mama?
She’s working
Where’s mama?
She’s in the bathroom
Where’s mama?
She’s cooking dinner
She’s writing
She’s busy
Where’s mama?
Tonight she’s meeting a friend
Where’s mama?
She’s off on a visit to the doctor
Where’s mama?
She’s cleaning
It makes her feel calmer
Where’s mama?
She just needs a moment alone
Sometimes we feel better
After a good cry
Where’s mama?
She’ll be out of the shower in a minute
Where’s mama?
She’s getting groceries
Where’s mama?
She’s acting normal
Where’s mama?
She’s buying a bathrobe
She’s texting a friend
She’s looking in the mirror
She’s looking away
She’s vacuuming up her hair
Where’s mama?
She’s laughing
She’s playing
She’s happy
Where’s mama?
She’s making a phone call
Where’s mama?
She needs to go
She’s visiting the hospital
Where’s mama?
She’ll be home soon
Where’s mama?
She’s sleeping
Where’s mama?
She’s getting dressed
She needs to do things slowly now
Where’s mama?
She’s taking her pills
She’s buying a cane
She’s trying to eat
Where’s mama?
She’s tired
Where’s mama?
She’s in the bathroom
Where’s mama?
She’s in the bathroom
Where’s mama?
She’s still in the bathroom
Where’s mama?
It’s just for a night
Where’s mama?
She’s home again, see?
Where’s mama?
She’s calling the doctor
She’s listening to the doctor
She isn’t saying anything to the doctor
Where’s mama?
She’s going back to the hospital
Where’s mama?
She’s packing
She’s writing a list
She’s cleaning again
Where’s mama?
She’s looking for her phone charger
Where’s mama?
It’s just for a night
Where’s mama?
She’s in bed
She’s looking out the window
Where’s mama?
She’s in bed
She’s staring at the wall
Where’s Mama?
Shall we remind her
She needs to drink water
C’mon, let’s tell her she can do it
Where’s mama?
She’s so happy to see you
Where’s mama?
Maybe later
She’ll be able to play
Where’s mama?
She’s googling and googling and googling
She’s sorting delivery for dinner
She’s trying again to eat
Where’s mama?
She’s yelling at the insurance company
She’s using words we don’t say
Unless we’re talking to
Insurance companies
Where’s mama?
She’s ordering her pills
Where’s mama?
She’s sorting her pills
Where’s mama?
She’s taking her pills
Oh wait, sorry –
She’s ordering more pills
Where’s mama?
She’s in the hospital
Where’s mama?
She’s right here on the phone
Say hello
Where’s mama?
I can hear her smiling at you
Where’s mama?
She’s in a special home for sick people
She lives there now
Remember?
They can take really good care of her there
Where’s mama?
She’s sleeping
Where’s mama?
She needs to sleep a lot
But she visits you in her dreams
Where’s mama?
She’s –
Where’s mama?
Where’s mama?
Where’s mama?
Where’s mama?
She’s in the fields and flowers
With all the other mamas
Who came before her
Look –
I think I see her
In the curve
Of that daffodil
I want to be a flower, too
Someday, sweetheart. Someday.
Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash
Note: Medium is fantastic at knowing exactly what stories will make you click to read, and today my digest included a story by Heather Macleod about trying to help her four-year-old prepare to lose his daddy. This hit me so hard that I had to stop reading a few times and take a little break. I feel every day how very lucky I am – and a deep awareness that my story could have gone very differently (and still could).
The feelings from this article felt like they collided together with my own experience at the moment, where Rosie’s days begin with ‘Mama, mama, mama, mama’ and end with ‘Mamaaaa! Maaaaamaaaaa!’ (Definitely lots of ‘Daddy’ too, but I think the Ms are more satisfying.) Even in a two-bed flat where no one can leave during a pandemic, it’s amazing how often you hear the words ‘where’s mama?’ or ‘where’s daddy?’ Which has now progressed to ‘Whatchyoo doooooing mama!?’
In the article, the author Heather Macleod writes about how hard it is to juggle her son’s ongoing questions about his father:
“These spontaneous questions are like little paper cuts. But it’s our job to answer him truthfully and patiently. I’ve read that children who lose a parent have to re-deal with their grief from different angles over and over again as they grow up. The questions and challenges Isaac has around his dad’s death as a four-year-old will be different from those he has as an eight-year-old, or a 14-year-old, or a young adult. I’ve dreaded this ever since I read it.”
We always tried to be honest and open with Rosie, honestly I’m not sure we could have done anything different given the enormous impact it had on our lives. But I really admire the way Heather Macleod is managing to do the same with much harder questions – and that the answers she gives her little boy about where his father is now are exactly what I want to say to Rosie.
As I wrote this, I kept thinking of my husband, and the way he took on the role of primary parent during these challenging experiences. He did so much, without every making me feel left out. You become so reliant on the other people around your child to reinforce your love for them when you aren’t able to give it in the same way. In this piece, the constant questions might be about Mama, but it’s the answering voice that gives the child their anchor of safety. Zach was the main person in this role – but we were lucky to have the support of friends and family also giving that love and security.
This poem came because I just started hearing these questions and this dialogue. I think ultimately this poem might need to be shorter, but I just went with what came spilling out today.